Before You Divorce Take a Good Look at Your Marriage

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As you move ahead with your divorce, consider how the actions you take will color those regular or occasional interactions. Your paths will undoubtedly cross again. Have you told your partner you want to divorce? If not, take some time to think about how to express your decision in as clear and calm a manner as possible, then try to anticipate how your spouse is going to absorb and react to this news. When you tell him or her, have a bag packed and a place to stay if either one of you feels that you need to spend some time alone.

If you are in an abusive situation, please seek professional help to advise you.

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In the melee it can be easy to forget to tend to your wellbeing, and one of the best ways to do that is to lean on your friends, family and confidantes. In fact, some days will seem insufferable, but now is the worst possible time to do what many people feeling battered by divorce proceedings do: they self-medicate with alcohol, prescription or non-prescription drugs, or have sex with the wrong people. Any of these things has the ability to make you feel temporarily better, but they are just as likely to make you feel worse, slow down your divorce, get in the way of your ability to parent, and possibly threaten your custody plan.

Internalize the idea that the only way out is straight through. Divorces, especially contentious ones, can feel completely overwhelming. So overwhelming, in fact, that you may be tempted to withdraw from the hard work of unpicking your life with your spouse. Becoming a bystander in your own divorce is a sure way to walk away to come away with less than you deserve. Do the work and do it well.

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Listen to the counsel of your professional team, but make own decisions. Think about where you, your partner, and your children—if you have them—are going to live. And for more ways for preparing for the future, know these 52 Ways to Be Smarter with Money in Research and interview at least three attorneys in your area and make an informed decision about which one is right for you.

#Winning is everything.

According to an article on Forbes. One way to cut down on these eye-watering expenses is to use a mediator. The better organized you are, the more likely you are to walk away from your marriage with an outcome that is acceptable to you. One of the best and simplest ways to do that is to start a divorce file. In this file, keep every bit of paper that could have an effect on how your divorce proceedings. Keep it organized and easy to navigate. A fair and informed divorce agreement is going to depend on having an accurate picture of your finances, assets, and debts.

Gather copies of all important financial documents and access to all account information for: tax returns for the past years, recent pay stubs for you and your spouse, insurance policies, retirement account and pension statements, social security estimates for you and your spouse, and employment contracts and other employer provided benefits for you and your spouse.

Here's The Scoop on What to Think About Before Divorce

Also include an accounting of any personal property you owned prior to the marriage, in addition to wills, trusts, power of attorney and any medical directives, stock options, mortgages and property tax documents, recent credit card statements and any other loans, recent credit reports for you and your spouse, and copies of the last 12 months of bills for recurring household expenses utilities, school tuition, kids activities. Ditching debt from jointly held cards can be difficult.

The best move is to clear up any jointly held credit card debt before you go into proceedings. When it comes to getting a good divorce settlement, knowing the value of what you jointly own is supremely important. Do your homework now and you come out ahead down the line. More than any other purchase, we have strong emotional attachments to the homes we live in. You many end up discovering that you gave up other assets just to keep a home in which you can no longer afford to live. Many people believe that their house is their biggest asset when in fact its their retirement or pension account.

The court may well consider its future value when dividing assets. If you are moving out of the home you shared with your spouse, opening a post office box so that you will not lose any important paperwork in the mail may be a relatively small investment that pays off big in the long run. According to a TD Bank Survey, 76 percent of couples said they shared at least one bank account. When on the path to divorcing, immediately open your own bank account and start funding it. The state you live in will have something to say about how much you can remove from joint accounts, but you can begin shifting direct deposits from your paycheck into the new account.

At the same time, take ownership of your own credit score and any personal debt. This is going to reduce the chance of overlap between accounts, which may alert your spouse of your plans to push ahead with a divorce before you are ready for them to know. The last position you want to end up in is at a financial disadvantage to your spouse during a messy divorce, where a lack of available funds can sometimes affect the outcome of your case.

As long as it stayed in your separate name, you can usually take inheritances and personal savings that pre-date your marriage away with you. To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions. The 8 Questions 1. Do you still have feelings for your partner? Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now. Celine had been married for seven years to a man she loved, who she considered to be a real sweet, gentle guy.

However, she was very unhappy about their financial arrangement. She was the responsible one who paid all the expenses, while he seemed to be forever getting them further into debt. She was very stressed and miserable and saw divorce as her only way out of the financial strain she was under. But because of her feelings for him she was not able to support such a decision or even set a clear boundary, for fear of losing the relationship.

With the help of her therapist, Celine recognized that she either needed to either set a clear boundary and be willing to lose the relationship, or else accept that all her hassling was a waste of time. Were you ever really married?

They send your heart racing.

To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask -- "Do I want to do this or that", rather than ask "Is this good for us? Even as a therapist who works in the area of divorce, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in fact in name only, regardless of the years that we lived under the label of husband and wife.

Our pattern was to threaten to break up every few months, and we had a daily ritual of fighting, and agreements that rarely lasted more than a week. I used to joke to my wife that she needed to keep her bags packed just in case she needed to leave quickly. This pattern remained despite the numerous counseling offices we attended.

It was not until I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was neither single nor married, that I was in fact nowhere, did any real change occur. We started the real divorce process two months later. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening? Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments for the following reasons; Out of anger and frustration.

To gain power and control over the other person, to get them to see things your way. To finally be taken seriously that you want real change. As a wake up call that the marriage is faltering. People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility with themselves and their partner. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, "That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship.

Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision? To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones.

Emotionally charged decisions do not last and if acted on do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over. A woman came to see me as her divorce coach after she had been divorced for five years because she was still struggling with the effects of her divorce. Her problem was that she was still feeling rage toward her ex husband and found her self hating him on a weekly basis.

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I said to her, "It sounds like you are still married. I responded that the hate she was experiencing essentially reflected a great passion toward him despite her hateful label, which I doubted any current man could match. I stated that only someone who is married could have such a passion. From that moment on she began to emotionally detach from her ex husband and work towards, with the help of the coaching, a real divorce.

A statement that would indicate that you are making a sincere, rather than an emotionally reactive decision is, "I acknowledge that you are a person in your own right with your own personality, hopes and dreams, I can respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you. What is your intent in wanting a divorce? Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce.

If you are hoping that through the divorce the other person will change and start treating you better, realize how much they have lost or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds. Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?

Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship.